I don’t know how else to explain it but you’re the only TikTok follow that converted to a Substack follow whose words are just as impactful over a video and via text.
Just this morning I didn't know what I was doing with my life, and then I came across one of your YouTube videos, which led me here and I can say this is the exact feeling I have been having for so long.Something unexplainable has been beautifully written, thank you Ash.
“And the thing is… it felt good. Not in a healthy way, but in a way that makes you feel briefly important before everything resets to zero and you do it all over again.”
…I think I related to this a little too hard. Thank you for this!!
You have hit on something I have been battling with for the last 12 months. I have been a serial people pleaser, for what feels like my whole adult life. At work and in my personal life. I found that I was placing the people I helped, pleased, or even served, on a pedestal. Why, because I craved validation, the higher the pedestal, the more valuable the validation. A circle of chaos amplified by trying to do the right thing. It was an easy trap to fall into. Breaking out of the trap has been hard, not being there for everyone all the time, letting people down sometimes. It's difficult and a work in progress. You summed it up beautifully in this piece. Thanks Ash
oh, ash, I love this so much. I feel it in my bones too, because as an (almost) pathological people pleaser, I know what it's like to lose yourself in the pursuit of acceptance and how much it hurts when you realize that when you quit your part in the dynamics there's not much left.
Thank you! ✨ It’s a tough road, I’m learning to be grateful for where I’m at. It’s toughened me up a bit too, which I’m not mad about. It’s allowing me to fall back into myself which is nice and uncomfortable at the same time. All in all, it’s all good things - just also uncomfortable things 🙃
I wrote about people pleasing recently too, because I also grew up being the one that manages to get stuff done, get the refunds, the discounts, the reservations, you name it - I’ve got it. And I’m not bragging, on the contrary, I was recently put in a place where I realized that some people just stay for the value and convenience of having someone handle the things they don’t want to.
And what’s in it for me? The toxic lies of believing I *am* important (when I’m just handy and convenient) and … also the perfect excuse not to handle my own sh*t.
It’s hard to move from that position when everyone else is expecting to jump at any opportunity to make their lives easier, but it has to be done. And we need to actively decide to stop giving, as no one will actively decide to stop taking.
It's so hard to move from that position, because—at least for me—you wonder if you'll have anyone left in the end. I'm learning that's also not the worst thing and to start building relationships that go both ways and that my value to said relationship isn't on what I can do for them.✨
While I was reading about this topic, I came across the following quote that I think hits home:
"One of the biggest markers for maturity is when you become willing to disappoint the people you love in favour of what feels right to you, when you start to unravel the stories you’ve told yourself (or been told) about who you are and what you should be.
These stories are the pillars that hold up the jenga-tower that is our ego. As we start to remove them one by one, the whole thing begins to tumble down.
This is the process of individuation: becoming who you truly are instead of who you want to be for others. Disappointing people is practically a rite of passage in creating a life that is yours, rather than one your parents, family, friends or even a younger, more conditioned version of yourself might have imagined for you.”
Thought I'd share because it sounded relevant to the conversation. From what I was able to find is from a book called "Who you were meant to be" by Lindsay C. Gibson.
Also, English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if some things I wrote are no 100% correct! :)
Feel you Sofia. It does feel lonely at the very end when I decide to “not to be useful” anymore; I am witnessing people packing their stuff to leave either not to come back ever or close the door in front of my face. At work or personal, name it. I have lost friendships which I learned it need to go both ways (Ash is right!) - not having it to receive and only giving, isn’t what I am picturing myself doing till I’m getting older. It’s toxic but it’s better to end such relationships , exit it and start fresh with a peaceful mind. I don’t force the process of grieving (of that lost relationships/ some are hard to leave and forget becos they could be family), but it is just that I am now know my worth and my boundaries. A healthy boundaries …
Oh man... I know and can still remember very well how exhausted I was when I checked out of that thankless identity. It's been like 5 years now, but I still need to pause at times and do a check in, like thoroughly investigate my own motives on why I want to do that thing for that person. Because people pleasing causes you to pause your own life and aspirations to attend to those of others, and it is not like you don't know that your time is your life but yet you lay it down for them anyways. Until you are so empty and beyond exhausted that you just can't anymore.
This piece with being the eldest daughter really hits a chord for me. It wasn't until I turned 23 where I realized that being useful and revolving your entire existence around what you can do for others is not love, is not respect, and not affection. The ones who truly love you and care for you will never categorize you in their lives based on how useful you can be for them. Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading!
Thank you Carol Anne, I really appreciate it! And I did read "Help is on the way, dear!" as Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire instantly, haha... It's a hard 'response' to break. It's so easy for me to just say yes and respond immediately, but I'm starting to pause, sit with something and ask myself whether or not I'm doing it for the right reasons. ✨❤️ (I hope your freewrite is treating you well!)
I don’t know how else to explain it but you’re the only TikTok follow that converted to a Substack follow whose words are just as impactful over a video and via text.
This was timely. Thank you, Ash.
Thank you Dee, that means so much to me and I'm so glad the piece resonated with you! ✨☺️
Ash you just had to write this at a point in my life when i have to hear it
It seems I have that effect on people, haha! Maybe it’s just a sign that we are all going through similar things, more than we ever thought we were 🫂✨
Just this morning I didn't know what I was doing with my life, and then I came across one of your YouTube videos, which led me here and I can say this is the exact feeling I have been having for so long.Something unexplainable has been beautifully written, thank you Ash.
I’m so glad the words resonate with you and have brought you here, welcome!
I've been an E.A. in tech for 15yrs. I guess I'm not really sure what my personality is when removing that either.
It's a hard thing to navigate, I'm still not sure to be honest. Think it's going to take me a while to shed the skins of my EA years 🙃
Yeah... same
“And the thing is… it felt good. Not in a healthy way, but in a way that makes you feel briefly important before everything resets to zero and you do it all over again.”
…I think I related to this a little too hard. Thank you for this!!
I'm so glad it resonated with you ☺️✨
You have hit on something I have been battling with for the last 12 months. I have been a serial people pleaser, for what feels like my whole adult life. At work and in my personal life. I found that I was placing the people I helped, pleased, or even served, on a pedestal. Why, because I craved validation, the higher the pedestal, the more valuable the validation. A circle of chaos amplified by trying to do the right thing. It was an easy trap to fall into. Breaking out of the trap has been hard, not being there for everyone all the time, letting people down sometimes. It's difficult and a work in progress. You summed it up beautifully in this piece. Thanks Ash
Thank you so much 🙏🏻✨
Thank you for this Ash, this line truly resonates with me - "Because what happens when you confuse being useful with being loved?"
Thank you, it was a very hard line to write because I didn’t want to admit it to myself. All part of the growth ✨
This piece really spoke to me as a firstborn daughter who is always placed at the service of others. Thank you for sharing your gift with the world!
I'm so glad it resonated with you 🙏🏻✨
oh, ash, I love this so much. I feel it in my bones too, because as an (almost) pathological people pleaser, I know what it's like to lose yourself in the pursuit of acceptance and how much it hurts when you realize that when you quit your part in the dynamics there's not much left.
Thank you! ✨ It’s a tough road, I’m learning to be grateful for where I’m at. It’s toughened me up a bit too, which I’m not mad about. It’s allowing me to fall back into myself which is nice and uncomfortable at the same time. All in all, it’s all good things - just also uncomfortable things 🙃
This - and being the eldest sister.
I wrote about people pleasing recently too, because I also grew up being the one that manages to get stuff done, get the refunds, the discounts, the reservations, you name it - I’ve got it. And I’m not bragging, on the contrary, I was recently put in a place where I realized that some people just stay for the value and convenience of having someone handle the things they don’t want to.
And what’s in it for me? The toxic lies of believing I *am* important (when I’m just handy and convenient) and … also the perfect excuse not to handle my own sh*t.
It’s hard to move from that position when everyone else is expecting to jump at any opportunity to make their lives easier, but it has to be done. And we need to actively decide to stop giving, as no one will actively decide to stop taking.
It's so hard to move from that position, because—at least for me—you wonder if you'll have anyone left in the end. I'm learning that's also not the worst thing and to start building relationships that go both ways and that my value to said relationship isn't on what I can do for them.✨
Exactly. If someone cares about me only for what I bring to the table, then I don’t really want them in my life.
It's hard but it does also feel really good. It takes a while to get there (years for me) but it's worth it!
It is!
While I was reading about this topic, I came across the following quote that I think hits home:
"One of the biggest markers for maturity is when you become willing to disappoint the people you love in favour of what feels right to you, when you start to unravel the stories you’ve told yourself (or been told) about who you are and what you should be.
These stories are the pillars that hold up the jenga-tower that is our ego. As we start to remove them one by one, the whole thing begins to tumble down.
This is the process of individuation: becoming who you truly are instead of who you want to be for others. Disappointing people is practically a rite of passage in creating a life that is yours, rather than one your parents, family, friends or even a younger, more conditioned version of yourself might have imagined for you.”
Thought I'd share because it sounded relevant to the conversation. From what I was able to find is from a book called "Who you were meant to be" by Lindsay C. Gibson.
Also, English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if some things I wrote are no 100% correct! :)
Thank you for sharing this!! 🙏🏻✨
Feel you Sofia. It does feel lonely at the very end when I decide to “not to be useful” anymore; I am witnessing people packing their stuff to leave either not to come back ever or close the door in front of my face. At work or personal, name it. I have lost friendships which I learned it need to go both ways (Ash is right!) - not having it to receive and only giving, isn’t what I am picturing myself doing till I’m getting older. It’s toxic but it’s better to end such relationships , exit it and start fresh with a peaceful mind. I don’t force the process of grieving (of that lost relationships/ some are hard to leave and forget becos they could be family), but it is just that I am now know my worth and my boundaries. A healthy boundaries …
Oh man... I know and can still remember very well how exhausted I was when I checked out of that thankless identity. It's been like 5 years now, but I still need to pause at times and do a check in, like thoroughly investigate my own motives on why I want to do that thing for that person. Because people pleasing causes you to pause your own life and aspirations to attend to those of others, and it is not like you don't know that your time is your life but yet you lay it down for them anyways. Until you are so empty and beyond exhausted that you just can't anymore.
It is an awful feeling and place to be.
I like your style, young lady!
This piece with being the eldest daughter really hits a chord for me. It wasn't until I turned 23 where I realized that being useful and revolving your entire existence around what you can do for others is not love, is not respect, and not affection. The ones who truly love you and care for you will never categorize you in their lives based on how useful you can be for them. Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading!
Thank you Carol Anne, I really appreciate it! And I did read "Help is on the way, dear!" as Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire instantly, haha... It's a hard 'response' to break. It's so easy for me to just say yes and respond immediately, but I'm starting to pause, sit with something and ask myself whether or not I'm doing it for the right reasons. ✨❤️ (I hope your freewrite is treating you well!)